Dr. Ron Sumners
September 28, 2003
When Katie was around nine and Sam was five, we took them to Carowinds, an amusement park in the Carolinas. Our finances were tight. We really couldn’t afford to go, but I had promised. It was supposed to be a great day, a time of relaxation and fun for the family.
We were barely out of the driveway when my daughter and son began to fight in the backseat of the car. My daughter yelled, “He’s touching me,” and my son replied, “Well, she’s touching me.”
This went on for mile after mile. Finally, in a relatively calm voice, I announced, “If I hear about anybody touching anyone else again, I’m going to turn this car around and go home.” It was an idle threat. I knew it and they knew it. But they did quit fighting for a few miles. Then my daughter yelled, “He’s looking at me,” and my son replied, “She’s looking at me.” Before we ever got to the park, I knew what kind of day it was going to be.
Even as we entered the park they began to complain. Why was it so hot? Why couldn’t we get souvenirs right away? Why did we have to eat yucky pizza for lunch, she wanted a hamburger, he wanted McDonalds. The mention that there was not a McDonalds in the park didn’t stop his complaint. Why did we ride the ride she wanted to ride first? Why did we have to stand in line?
I finally lost it. My son was hanging on the bars dividing our line from the next when he slipped and fell. My daughter laughed. More embarrassed than hurt my son lit into her like the Tasmanian devil. I yanked them apart and pulled them out of the line, sat them down on the nearest bench and began my tirade.
“You are the most ungrateful children in the world. Your mother and I have worked hard to save money for this trip and you two have ruined it. You have fought since you got in the car. You have complained about everything we have done. You have treated each other horribly and you’ve treated mom and me with disrespect. We are going home, and we are never coming back again.
In fact, I may never take you anywhere ever again! You are going to spend the rest of your lives in your rooms.”
I’m sure I heard the applause of several sympathetic parents as I marched them to the exit.
Nothing hurts a parent more than ingratitude.
My gifts to my children are given freely. My sole motivation is my love for them. Yet I always hope my gifts will produce gratitude. Thomas Merton said, “Unselfish love that is poured out upon a selfish object does not bring perfect happiness: not because love requires a return or a reward for loving, but because it rests in the happiness of the beloved. And if that one receives love selfishly, the one who loves is not satisfied.” What is true of human love is equally true of divine love.
Jesus told a story of gratitude and grace. He spoke of a man who owed a king millions of dollars. His debt came due, and he was brought before the throne. He couldn’t pay the debt and begged for mercy. The king forgave the entire debt. It was an unexpected act of grace.
The story doesn’t end there. The forgiven man left the king’s presence and came across another man who owed him a few dollars. He demanded payment. The man also pled for mercy, but the first man refused. He had the man thrown into debtor’s prison.
Soon the king heard of this outrage and called the first man to account. He said, “You wicked servant! I canceled all of your debt because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you? Throw this man in jail to be tortured and don’t let him out until he pays everything he owes!”
Jesus said, “This is how My father in heaven will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart” (Matthew 18:32-35).
Nothing hurts God more than ingratitude. It is always evidence of our selfishness. We have pleaded for our Father’s mercy without accepting the responsibility to forgive our brothers and sisters. How can God be happy when He knows that our hearts are yet to be transformed? God is never satisfied until we love as He loves. The proper response to love is gratitude. It is gratitude that creates grace. When we live without gratitude, we find it impossible to act with grace.
Why should we be grateful? Life is reason enough! I never attended a Nigerian worship service without hearing someone pray, “God, thank you for letting me get up this morning. Thank you for letting me take another breath.” At first, I thought this strange. I took getting up and breathing for granted. The more I thought about my attitude, the more I realized it was my lack of gratitude that was odd. Perhaps it is those who have the least who are most aware of God’s goodness.
A few years ago, a friend of Katie’s came to live with us for a few months. She lived with us until she got married and we actually helped her with the wedding. She was beautiful, popular and made good grades, but her family life was terrible. Her father lived in another state and she and her mother had problems to the place that she could not live with her. Let me add that this was not a problem with the girl, but with the mother. We enjoyed having her as a part of our family for that brief time.
Whenever we did anything for her, no matter how minor, she would thank us. My own children seldom said thanks. Of course, how could I criticize them? I often forget to thank God for His goodness to me. I was reminded of my blessings. My mom never kicked me out. I had a supportive family and a safe home. These are not small gifts. Given this girl’s circumstances, I wonder if I could have done as well.
God’s goodness and grace have a purpose. They should enable me to be merciful to all the hurting around me, those who overcome, like the girl who lived with us, and those who don’t. Can I be merciful to those who fail me and even hurt and abuse me?
One day Jesus had dinner with some tax collectors and other sinners. The Pharisees saw this and were indignant. They said, “Why does your teacher eat with people like that?” On hearing this, Jesus replied, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. Go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice’” (Matthew 9:10-13).
The desire of God is not judgment, condemnation, or punishment. No parent finds joy in these acts. What a parent hopes for is repentance, reconciliation, and mercy. Even when we speak harsh words to our children, we are hoping to confront them with their ingratitude and move them toward grace.
On the way home from Carowinds, I heard whispering in the back seat. Finally, my daughter said, “Daddy, we’re sorry.” My son immediately added, “I’m sorry too, Daddy.”
For the first time that day, I smiled. They didn’t spend the rest of their lives in their rooms. We even went back to Carowinds again. I didn’t need my children to constantly thank me for saving money, buying tickets, and taking them to the park. Seeing them have a good time and be good to each other would be thanks enough. Nothing pleases parents more than watching their children play happily together. It’s too bad that we children of the heavenly Father do so poorly getting along with each other.
I am not the only one to take my children on a journey to a promised land. God led His children from Egypt to Canaan. Unfortunately, His experience was even more unpleasant than mine. Micah was one of the prophets who finally lost patience with the children of Israel, yanked them out of line, and scolded them for the way they were acting.
He reminded them of God’s goodness to them – how God had rescued them from slavery in Egypt, sustained them in the wilderness, and brought them into a land flowing with milk and honey. And how had they responded to God’s grace? They had been rebellious and unfaithful. They responded with ingratitude. Micah told them how much they had hurt God.
He also told them what God expected. “He has shown you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God” (Micah 6:8). Mercy is a message that we need to hear repeatedly. Jesus said, “Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful” (Luke 6:36). James instructs, “Mercy triumphs over judgment” (James 2:13). The requirement for mercy runs through scripture from beginning to end.
“Forgive our sins as we forgive those who sin against us.” Forgiveness is not optional! It is the foundation of a healthy relationship with God and with others. To love mercy is to be like God and to love others as God loves them.
We do not love mercy. We approach mercy as a requirement rather than a joy. It seems so unnatural. We love judgment; an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. The statement, “I forgive you,” sticks in our throats.
Bud Welch’s daughter, Julie, was killed in the Okalahoma City Federal building bombing. When he heard of Timothy McVeigh’s arrest, he felt only rage and a desire for vengeance. McVeigh’s lack of repentance only made his anger hotter. He said, “I just wanted him to fry!”
Bud’s hate took him on a journey of sleepless nights and drunken binges to numb the pain. It also led him to visit the bombing site. On that visit, he vowed to change. He remembered watching Bill McVeigh, the bomber’s father, on television and suddenly recognized his pain and grief in that father’s eyes.
He arranged to meet Bill McVeigh. They sat together and talked about their children, one who was dead and one who soon would be. Forgiveness and mercy overwhelmed Bud Welch. He said, “I never felt closer to God than I did at that moment.” When asked later about those who resented his forgiveness of Timothy McVeigh, he said, “They think they’ll get some kind of healing at his execution. There’s nothing about killing that is going to help them.”
Revenge never solves anything. The cycles of violence in Northern Ireland, Israel, and Bosnia witness to a cross-cultural commitment to revenge. Generations of death and misery also testify to revenge’s inability to bring satisfaction. Mercy, forgiveness, and reconciliation are far more than personal issues. When societies fail to value these acts, the fabric of human relationship is fractured. We begin to relate to one another from the least common denominator – hate.
I heard a Southern Baptist leader speak not too long ago on radio. I got in on his comments in the middle of his presentation. He was talking about the strategy to defeat the enemy. I assumed he was taking about Satan or worldliness. I was shocked to find out that “the enemy” he referred to was a group within his own denomination that he disagreed with.
What displeases God is when his children fight. He is disappointed when we carefully draw dividing lines and refuse to touch or be touched by those on the other side. He grows weary of our selfish complaints. He is discouraged by our demands to have more than our brothers and sisters. When we begin to scream our hate for one another at the slightest offense, we try God’s patience and rebel against His will. We sadden our Father in heaven.
Gene was a jerk! Everyone in the whole college who knew him shared that opinion. He was obnoxious, self-righteous and overbearing. We lived on the same hall at Crawford Johnson dorm and he came in my room every night to let me know how spiritual he was and how lucky God was to have him on His side and how superior he was to me and others like me!
We all talked about Gene. We would shake our heads in agreement as we talked of Gene’s jerkiness. I genuinely did not like him.
One morning, as I was doing my bible reading, I read these words of Jesus, “Do not judge and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive and you will be forgiven. Give and it will be given unto you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” (Luke 6:37-28)
I immediately thought of Gene. I had judged him. I had condemned him and had become his enemy. I had been unwilling to forgive him. The Holy Spirit convicted me about my attitude.
I called Gene and asked if we could meet and talk. I asked for his forgiveness and told him of my attitude and feeling toward him. I imagined that Gene would admit his sin and forgive me for my judgmental attitude. Instead, Gene said, “I am really disappointed in you. It is rude and mean to talk behind someone’s back. I thought you were a Christian. I’m very hurt and I don’t think I can forgive you.”
And I thought, “What a jerk!”
As I sat there stunned and disappointed, I realized how difficult forgiveness is, especially when the person we are trying to forgive doesn’t repent. I was willing to apologize for my attitude and gossip. I was willing to forgive Gene for his behavior. I was willing to do those things as long as he repented. Instead of repenting, he had just given me more reasons to dislike him! So, I immediately went to share this latest gossip with others that I knew disliked him.
I’m glad God didn’t forgive me like I did Gene!
There is the eyedropper of forgiveness. We say, “When you repent, admit your fault, and finally accept that I am better than you, I will forgive you. Now open your eyes because this is going to sting.”
There is the teaspoon of forgiveness. We say, “I’ll forgive you this time, but never again. I’m going to watch you like a hawk because I don’t really believe you’ve repented. Now open your mouth and take your medicine.”
There is the cup of forgiveness. We say, “I’ll forgive you, but I will never let you forget. I’ll remind you of it nearly every day of your life. Drink up and don’t make a face at the bitterness.”
We say, “I’m sorry for what I did as long as you’re sorry for what you did. I’ll stop my sin if you’ll stop yours.” That was the deal I offered Gene.
When we pray “forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us,” we realize the conditions and limits of human forgiveness. We are also reminded of the limitless grace of God.
What measure do we want God to use when we stand before His throne? Do we want Him to use the measure that we have applied to others? Or do you yearn for His grace? When I remember that those who were naked and without shelter, sick and oppressed, starving and dying of thirst, will also stand before the throne, I hope for buckets of forgiveness from them and from God.
When I remember that Gene will be there, I want to apologize again, not for my gossip or arrogance, but for my lack of love! I want to seek forgiveness for my unwillingness to befriend my enemy, to love a jerk, to care for the selfish, to reach out to those who push me away. We err when we understand forgiveness as our gift.
Grace never begins in us. It is always a response to the One who has delivered us from the evil of this world and, more importantly, from the evil within ourselves.
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