Dr. Ron Sumners
May 9, 2004
A minister was finishing up a sermon series on marriage. At the end of the service, he was giving out small, wooden crosses to each married couple. He said, "Place this cross in the room in which you fight the most and you will be reminded of God's commands, and you won't argue as much." One woman came up to him after the service and said, "You'd better give me five!"
A home is more than a house or the rooms where you live; that's merely space. A home is family, security, provision, and love in the relationships that are found there. It is more than space; it is a place where life is fleshed out in all its forms. If there is to be harmony, consistency, and peace in the home, it will come from the leadership of dad and mom.
Just as surely as the principles that govern the universe reveal a system of order and structure, even so, God also has a system of order and structure within the family unit. This order and structure are meant to make life better for everyone. I see directives for wives and husbands in our scripture from Colossians.
Colossians 3:18 says, "Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord." This verse is not just about subjection or submission; it is primarily about leadership. It implies that the man should lead and that his wife should empower him to lead. Ladies, please don't tum me off. Hear me out and you may well agree with what I am going to say.
Husbands, you are the provider, protector, and caregiver. The Bible says you are in Genesis 3: 16. You are not to stand passively by and expect your wife to pull the leadership load. That is your job. Give her the security she needs to follow your lead and trust your leadership. What Paul is telling us is that when your husband is a godly man, let him lead.
Paul was telling the women of Colosse that they had been set free by Christ. Their womanhood was respected in Christianity like never before in History. They were equals with their husbands, not their husband's property! The Gospel had given them new status. Salvation and redemption are for everyone equally. But Paul cautions that these women should not use this new freedom to throw the home out of balance. God has ordained that the husband should lead the home. There are other issues involved if your husband is not a believer, or if he refuses to lead. Some women do a wonderful job as spiritual leaders in the home, but only because the man refuses to do so or is simply not there.
Paul is addressing families within the church. It is inconceivable to him that a godly woman would not allow her godly husband to be the spiritual leader in the home. He may not be perfect, but God has asked him to be the point man trying to determine the direction for the family to go. Paul's direction is that. wives should follow the leadership of a godly husband.
Stu Weber wrote a book entitled Tender Warrior. In it he compares husbands and fathers to the wagon train scout. I remember the television program called "Wagon Train." Robert Fuller played the scout who rode ahead of the group to look for water and potential anger. The husband-scout looks ahead, gives direction, anticipates needs, and defines destinations. He makes these decisions based on his love and concern for the family.
Being subject to your husband has nothing to do with yielding to the whims of someone who tries to boss you around. You don't have to put up with that! Your husband's. home is his castle only if he treats you like a queen! Let him get his own glass of iced tea! Paul is not talking about servile and menial bondage to the Archie Bunkers of the world. He is not talking about a superiority of the male gender over the female. He is talking about God's design for the effective working of the home.
When the husband is out there as scout, sincerely trying to lead the family into the future, let him lead. Rather than ridiculing his decisions and taking matters into your own hands, as some were apt to do, Paul advises the women of Colosse to let the husband lead.
Both husbands and wives need to learn how to appeal wisely, not attacking or nagging one another. Reassure your husband in his leadership role. He will hear your opinion and you will make decisions together in love. Help him to grow into the role of leadership.
If you want to dig a grave for your marriage, here's how to do it: Never admire him; always complain; take shots at him when he makes a wrong decision; and assure him that he will never be an adequate leader for your home!
Obviously, it takes two to make a good marriage. But the way Paul expresses this is that the husband should take the lead in establishing a great marriage. Paul gets specific by giving to the husband his number one priority. The husband's number one job is to love his wife. Paul challenges husbands not to be harsh with their wives. He should not become resentful toward her. The only other time this word is used in the New Testament, it refers to something bitter in taste. Paul is telling husbands not to call their wife "honey" and then act like vinegar!
Men, affection, conversation, honesty, openness, financial support, and family commitment are all important to your wife. The way you can crush a woman's spirit is to invert these things in your marriage. Never compliment her or show her affection; never talk to her; be deceptive and secretive about how you spend your time or who you eat lunch with; spend money only on the things you want; spend more time with your buddies than you do with her, and the family and you will crush her spirit. She will not follow your leadership because you have none to offer!
Be attentive when she speaks to you. Stop what you are doing. Look at her. Smile when you talk. Answer her questions. Tell her with your eyes that you love her. Don't try to remake your wife. Accept her as she is. Delight in her. If you do that, you will be a man she will be willing to let lead! If you do not do those things, barriers are erected, and communication becomes almost impossible. God's plan for the family breaks down because you are not fit to be the leader of the home.
There was a couple that hadn't communicated for some time because they had been arguing. They were driving in the country when he spotted two mules inside a fence. For the first time in three weeks, he spoke to his wife. He pointed to the mules and said, "Some of your relatives?" She replied, "Yes, by marriage."
Gary Smalley asked five divorced women, individually, "If your husband began treating you in a consistently loving manner would you take him back?" Each one replied, "Of course, I would."
Husbands, the way that we can mend a broken relationship (and many relationships are broken, even those that have not ended in divorce) is to love our wives in a consistent manner. If you want to be the leader in your home and have your wife and children willing to follow that leadership: communicate with her, praise her, protect her, value her opinion, share your feelings with her, hold her tenderly, accept her, date her, surprise her, notice her, help her with the house, show public affection, call her when you are going to be late, and remember the "little things.”
Again, if you want to dig a grave for your marriage do this: criticize her, especially in front of her friends, never pay her any attention, tell her that housework is women's work, make her feel stupid, put her down in front of the children, never be romantic, cheat on her, be lazy. Do all that and then quote Colossians 3:18, "Wives be subject to your husband ..." If you do that, I have four words for you: YOU ARE AN IDIOT! You are not her boss in God's design. You are to be her leader-lover.
Husband and wife, it is time for you to join each other's team. Stop fighting one another. Start relating to one another in love. Wives, support the leadership of your husband. Husbands love your lady.
Now is the time to let go of some of the hurt. Some of you entered marriage with "storybook" expectations and limited training. Consequently, you've hit a wall. Husband, you can't lead your wife and children because they have no respect for your leadership or your judgment. You cannot solve that dilemma by quoting bible verses about how they must respect you as the head of the home. You are only the leader by virtue of your love and care. If you want their respect, if you want them to follow you, then love and lead!
This leads me to ask you married couples a final question. Are you wedded to Christ? Do you both follow His leadership? Do you love Him and accept His love for you?
Men, if people were to look deep into the face and eyes of your wife, what would they see? Would they see a woman who is loved, satisfied and happy, or the hollow eyes of one who has been beaten down by rejection and disappointment? Women, if people were to look deep into the face and eyes of your husband, what would they see? Would they see the bright confidence of a man who knows he is loved, respected, and supported or the empty eyes of one who feels that they have always been a failure because that is the message you have always given?
Husbands and wives, God wants you to come together to form the team he intends marriage to be. The marriage relationship is the most difficult and challenging of all relationships, requiring a tremendous amount of time and energy. But it can be the most rewarding relationship that one could ever have.
Dads, do you know the greatest gift you can give the mother of your children this Mother's Day? Love her, just love her!
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