Dr. Ron Sumners
June 20, 2004
Happy Father’s Day, dads! While there will be no records set today for long-distance phone calls, few sentimental cards given, and certainly no flowers handed out during the services, we appreciate you.
I want to start today with some encouraging news about dads. The National Center for Fathering has recently declared, “A fatherhood awakening,” citing evidence that men are rediscovering what it means to be a father.
Here are two rather surprising facts: In the past 25 years, the number of dads present at their children’s births has risen from 27% to more than 90% today. More than 75% of men say they would trade rapid career advancement for more time with their families.
Even with this good news, Time Magazine, in an issue called “The Hottest Jobs of the Future,” lists fatherhood as one of the occupations that will disappear in the next century. The article says, “Between in-vitro fertilization and cloning, dads could become dinosaurs.”
Joe Maxwell, writing on the web site called ibelieve.com, summarizes the state of fatherhood in an article entitled, “Dads: The New Endangered Species.” He says, “Guys really want to be good dads more then ever, but they aren’t changing much. When the good news is combined with the bad, it seems that fatherhood in the United States is poised for either a great awakening or a gory collapse.”
Dads, we are headed for either a spiritual stirring or we are looking at becoming an endangered species! There is a growing ambivalence about the importance of the role of fathers in our culture. N.O.W. and other feminists, radical groups seem to question the necessity of the male gender at all!
We need to come back to a biblical theology of fatherhood. God very clearly says that dads are to be difference-makers by leading and loving their wives and children. It is my prayer that through our study of God’s Word together we might experience a great awakening in both our faith and our parenting.
Our scripture says, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” In the first century, when this passage was written, families were presided over by fathers who could do whatever they pleased in their homes.
Rome had a law called patria potestas, which means “the father’s power.” The father had absolute power over the family. The wife and children were the property of the father. He could do with them as he wished. A displeased father could disown his children, sell them into slavery, or even kill them if he wished.
When a child was born, the baby was placed between the father’s feet. If the father picked up the baby, the child stayed in the home. If he turned and walked away, the child was either left to die or sold at auction. Seneca, a contemporary of the Apostle Paul, described Roman policy with regard to unwanted animals: “We slaughter a fierce ox; we strangle a mad dog; we plunge a knife into a sick cow. Children born weak or deformed, we drown.”
The Bible calls Christian fathers to a different standard. Just as it was revolutionary for dads to be loving to their children in the first century, faithful fathers today who do not exasperate their children, are counter-cultural. Our children are not property to own but image bearers of God who need to be nurtured and trained. Dads, we are called upon to provide a proper nurturing environment where our children can grow up to love and serve Christ.
I want you to notice the very first word of this verse: “Fathers.” I think Paul addresses just dads here because he knows that we especially need to hear this. He doesn’t say “parents” or “moms and dads.” He uses the word “Fathers.” Most of us dads are sloppy in our fathering, not giving much thought to what we are called to do. This verse brings us up short by calling us to some pretty high standards.
In essence, Paul is challenging us to see the word “fathers” as a verb not just a noun. It is biologically easy to become a father, but biblically challenging to actually “father” a child. The Bible very clearly challenges dads to become the point men in their homes because the ultimate responsibility for what a family becomes is the father’s. In this passage, we are given four duties of fathers. One duty is something we should not do; the other three are what we are to do.
The first duty is negative. We are told to “not exasperate our children.” This is a caution or warning designed to put us on guard against stirring up anger in our children either deliberately or through careless provocations. I think Paul started with a negative command because he knows that fathers, who are fallen creatures, are prone to abuse their authority in the home.
The Greek word translated “exasperate” means “to rouse to anger” or “to enrage.” The present tense of the verb indicates that we are to stop doing something that is common and continuous. This warning is calling dads to avoid anything that will eventually break the spirit of our children.
Paul puts it this way in Colossians 3:21: “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.” When we exasperate our children, they can become bitter and resentful.
There are times when children become sinfully angry due to their own selfishness or immaturity. However, there are times when we are guilty of aggravating our children. We can do that by deliberately goading them, by callously neglecting them or by any number of other intentional or careless means that exasperate them. When that happens, it is we dads who are sinning and provoking our children to sin as well.
Remember that our children are commanded by God to honor us. When we provoke them to wrath, we are causing them to sin against the fifth commandment. I can think of some common ways that fathers can exasperate their children.
1. Overprotection.
You can anger your children by fencing them in too much. I can relate to this one because there were so many things I wanted to protect my children from.
That reminds me of something I read recently called, “Ten Simple Rules for dating my daughter.”
#1: If you pull into my driveway and honk, you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re not picking anything up. And rule #5: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely home, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”
If you try to clutch your child and try to hold on to them and gain your sense of worth from them, you will inevitably push them away. Give them freedom to fly and they will inevitable fly back to you!
2. Overindulgence.
The flip side of overprotection is overindulgence. Excessively permissive parents are as likely to stir their children to wrath as much as those who stifle them. Studies prove that children given too much freedom and no responsibility begin to feel insecure and unloved. Because our society has fostered increasingly permissive attitudes toward children, we are now reaping the harvest of a whole generation of angry young people.
3. Favoritism.
A third way to exasperate children is by showing favoritism. Isaac favored Esau over Jacob, and Rebecca preferred Jacob over Esau. That family experienced terrible agony and two brothers became bitter rivals. If you want to embitter a child, just make them feel inferior to everyone else in the family.
4. Unrealistic Goals.
Dads, we can provoke our children to wrath by constantly pushing achievement. It is true that we are to encourage them, but we are also to comfort them. I have seen children treated as if they have committed a crime because they got a “C” instead of an “A.” I have seen adults who are miserable in an occupation because it is the one dad desired for them. Their goals have to be their goals, not yours!
5. Discouragement.
As Colossians 3:21 challenges us, we are not to provoke our children to anger or they will
become discouraged. Dads cut down on criticism and sarcasm in the home. Let’s look for ways to celebrate and applaud. Let’s give our approval spontaneously so our children don’t have to earn it or look for it in the arms of a boyfriend or girlfriend! Let’s catch our children doing things right instead of lashing out at them for what they do wrong. I am not telling you to ignore the wrong; I am telling you that there is good that you can find and applaud!
Here is a simple rule of thumb: For every time you have to point out something your child has done wrong, try to equalize it with a word of encouragement.
Hiam Ginott wrote: “A child learns what he lives. If he lives with criticism he does not learn responsibility. He learns to condemn himself and to find fault in others. He learns to doubt his own judgment, to disparage his own ability, and to distrust others. And above all, he learns to live with the continual expectation of impending doom.”
6. Neglect.
Another way to exasperate your children is by neglecting them. When we fail to show affection and act indifferently toward our children, we can cause them to burn with a slow anger. We can neglect our children by never being home; or we can do it by being home, but not involved in their lives.
7. Excessive Discipline.
Too much punishment is another sure way to provoke a child to anger. Dads, don’t ride your children constantly. The father who throws his weight around whether physically or verbally can devastate a child’s spirit. Should we discipline? Yes, definitely. But Hebrews 12 reminds us that God always disciplines in love and so should we. Is your discipline an effort to teach your child a life lesson or just to vent your spleen?
That is the negative side of our duty as dads: avoid exasperation. Now let’s look at three positive principles.
The second duty is to provide nurture. The word “instead” shows a contrast between what we should not do and what we are to do. The NIV translates this verb as “bring them up.” This is the same phrase that is used in 5:29 referring to the husband’s role of “feeding and caring” for his wife. Men, we are called upon to nourish our wife and children by sharing love and encouragement in the Lord.
Notice also that we are to “bring them up.” We are to do this because they will not get there by themselves. Dads, we are to take an active role in shaping the character of our children. Proverbs 29:15 says, “A child left to himself brings shame to his mother.” John Macarthur puts it this way, “What ruins most children is not what their parents do to them, but what they do not do for them.”
According to a 50-year study of Christian and non-Christian families, most young adults who follow Christ either come from non-Christian families or from homes where they grew up in love with Jesus because mom and dad were in love with Jesus. Their parent’s passion for Christ permeated their lives and was passed on to their children. Sadly, very few believers came from homes where there was a kind of indifferent, apathetic commitment to Christ. It is sobering to suggest that the chances are better for a child growing up in a non-Christian home to become a committed believer than for a child that grows up in a lukewarm environment.
Dads, how are you doing on this one? Are you modeling authentic faith? Are you providing a nurturing atmosphere in your home in which your children can grow up to love and serve Christ?
Are you looking for ways to teach and tutor your children or are you leaving this for mom and the Sunday school teacher to handle? One way to correct your child is to correct the example you set for them!
A third daddy job is to provide discipline. This word is translated “admonition” in some translations and carries the idea of rebuke or warning. Literally, it means “to place before the mind.”
Proverbs 13:24 provides a strong challenge to us dads, “He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him, disciplines him promptly.” I like the way the New Living Translation puts it: “If you refuse to discipline your children, it proves that you do not love them; if you love your children, you will promptly discipline them.” You may hesitate to discipline because you think that you are being unkind. Actually, if you do not discipline you are being more unkind and you are proving that you love yourself more than you love them. You are choosing what seems like the easiest road for you.
I am not advocating that you beat your child. But children need to receive loving discipline from their dads. Not only do they need it; they want it. If we do not give it to them, we’re failing them and may cause them to fall away from the faith. Hebrews 12:11 speaks of loving discipline, “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
Will your children appreciate it and thank you for it? Get real! They will wail in protest and accuse you of being the most cruel, insensitive, out-of-touch, ogres in the history of parenting. Expect it if you dare to discipline. Can your self-esteem stand it? Do you love them enough to let them not like you for a while?
It is important to understand the difference between discipline and punishment. The purpose of punishment is to inflict penalty and focus on the past action. It is sometimes necessary to punish a child. The purpose of discipline is to promote growth and look to the future. Dads, our children are looking to us to be the adult and to be the parent. Have the moral and spiritual courage to discipline your children!
The fourth idea is that we are to provide instruction. Dads, we are to bring up our children to hope in the triumph of God. There are at least three ways that we can do this:
Bring them up to find their place in the church of Jesus Christ.
Bring them to see everything in relation to the victory of God. Do whatever it takes to make all of life God-saturated for your children
Bring them up to know that the path of sin is a dead-end street because righteousness will prevail in the end.
Dad, you are the point man in your home. You are the coach of your team. Your home is the launching pad for missiles of missionary zeal aimed at the unreached people of the world.
Our goal is not merely to get out children to conform to a set of rules. Our mandate is to develop children who will glorify God with their lives. It is not enough to teach our children good things; our job is to teach our children how to develop a lifestyle of kingdom service.
Let’s be honest about something. We have a problem. My problem, as well as some of you, is that I’m not engaged as a dad. I’m not always fully present even when I am at home. My heart is not always in the job of parenting. It is just so darn hard sometimes.
I know that for me it is really a heart issue. If my heart fully focused on my children, then I would do a better job of fathering. Dads, if you sense that your heart isn’t really into parenting, and you sense that your children have little to do with your life or you with theirs, then pray that God will turn your heart to the hardest job you will ever love. Be their dad!
Before you leave today let me remind you of these things:
There are no perfect earthly fathers.
We can be better dads if we are willing to work at it.
We don’t father alone. That is why we need to pray daily for our children.
A man came home from work, late as always. He was tired and irritated. He found his five-year-old son waiting for him at the door. “Daddy, may I ask you a question?”
The dad replied, “Yeah, sure, what is it?”
“Daddy, how much money do you make an hour?”
The dad got angry and said, “That’s none of your business! Why do you want to know?”
The little boy said, “I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?”
The dad, wanting to sit down and relax said, “If you must know I receive a salary, but if you broke it down I guess it would be about $30 an hour.”
The little boy sighed and bowed his head, looking up he asked, “Daddy, may I borrow $10 please?”
The father became angry, “If the only reason you wanted to know how much money I make is so you could hit me up for money to buy some stupid toy, then you march yourself straight to your room. You are so selfish. I work long and hard for money to support this family and I don’t have time for this.”
The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.
The dad sat down and started to get even angrier about the nerve of the little boy. How dare he ask questions just to get money? After an hour or so, the man clamed down and started to think that maybe he was a bit hard on the boy. Maybe his son really needed the money for something important. So, he went to the boy’s room, opened the door and said, “Are you asleep son?”
“No daddy. I’m awake,” replied the little boy.
“I’ve been thinking, maybe I was a bit hard on you earlier. It’s been a long dad, and I took it out on you. Here’s the $10 you asked for.”
The little boy sat straight up, beaming. “Oh, thank you daddy?” Then, he reached under his pillow and pulled out a wad of crumpled bills that he had obviously been collecting for a while.
The dad, seeing that the boy already had some money, got angry again. The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then he looked at his dad.
The dad, now ticked off, demanded to know what was going on, “Why did you want more money if you already had some?”
The little boy replied, “Because I didn’t have enough to buy what I wanted, but now I do. Daddy, I have $30 … and I’d like to buy an hour of your time!”
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