Dr Ron Sumners
October 16, 2005
Swiss psychiatrist, Paul Tounier, called it the most devastating malady of this age. Billy Graham has commented that it is man's greatest problem. Mother Theresa once said that it is easier to fill a hungry stomach than to fill an empty heart. Thomas Wolfe said that it is the central and inevitable fact of human existence. Paul McCartney, of "The Beatles;" wrote in his song "Eleanor Rigsby," "All the lonely people where do they all come from?"
Ask the divorcee who just move to a cramped apartment. Talk to the parents whose arms still ache to hold a child who has died. Speak to a single girl that has just ended an engagement. Watch the family that has just transferred to a new city. Ask them to tell you about their loneliness. Loneliness is not a good thing. We try to steer clear of it at every turn.
Masses of people don't help. Often the crowd simply magnifies our loneliness. When we find ourselves in a crowded restaurant or a crowded church, we look at people connecting and interacting, and we feel like we have been ripped off relationally. We feel like have-nots looking at the haves!
I know it is hard to believe, but many people listening to my voice this morning are dealing with loneliness. You know how to mask it. You explain it away, but the cold reality is that you feel lonely most of the time. Even in the midst of the congregation today, you feel all alone.
Loneliness cannot be defined as being without companionship. Loneliness is not necessarily being alone, being alone is different and it can be a good thing. Being alone is commanded in the scripture. The Bible talks of solitude, and we all need a certain amount of it to commune with God. But we are afraid of solitude because we know that when we are by ourselves, we must deal with our loneliness.
We fill our lives with noise and distractions to make sure that we aren't alone with our thoughts. We have fax machines, e-mails, and cell phones and computers that keep us from really relating to others.
I wrote this little poem some time ago that expresses this idea:
Afraid Without Noise
Silence is golden; so, they say.
But they seldom say it anymore.
There is little silence today.
The noise attacks us everywhere.
The clanging, banging, blaring, rushing,
And wooing of our world makes a
Cacophony of mind-splitting noise.
It invades our homes, our play, our church pew.
There is little silence today.
And this is the way we would have it!
For you see - we fear silence.
Its icy fingers grip our throat, and we can't breathe.
We must have noise to occupy our thoughts.
0, God, don't let me think, don't let me be quiet.
I might be forced to feel.
Let there be noise!
Sweet, beautiful noise that is my tranquilizer.
Noise that numbs me, that makes my world a safe place to be.
Fill my world with blaring trumpets!
Fill my world with laughing friends!
Fill my world with loud music!
It makes me forget who I am.
For you see, I don't like who I am.
And the noise makes me forget.
Strike up the band!
Turn up the stereo!
Bring on the jack hammer!
Let's hear it for the sonic boom!
Thank God for the noise that keeps me from being alone.
Thank man, for the noise that keeps me from the presence of God.
If I had to be quiet,
If forced into silence,
I would have to hear all the hidden voices:
The voice of Godly parents,
The voice of concerned friends,
The voice of a truthful pastor,
The voice of God
Calling me ... wooing me.
The Holy Spirit whispering to me
The sweet song of repentance.
Oh, God, I want to be silent,
But I am afraid of who I am.
Please help me to love myself,
So, I can be silent and alone.
We use technology and we stay tethered to it to keep us from relating to others. Little do we realize that this technology has a lot of us surrounded by loneliness. Our culture is so into doing deals, doing conferences, and having meetings that we have become consumers, clients, customers, and prospects rather than people who live in true intimacy and community with others. We are a lonely people.
The Bible mentions over 300 times that we are to stay away from loneliness. It says that we are not to fear, and it shows us how to deal with the fear of loneliness.
Today, I want to present three levels of loneliness and then show how to deal with them. All of us, including myself, are dealing with one or more of these levels of loneliness.
Level one is Spiritual loneliness. We are born lonely. Isaiah said in 59:2, ''Your iniquities have separated you from God ..." We are all born separated from God because of our sin nature.
Some of you are here today with the gnawing feeling that something is not right in your life. That feeling is loneliness, spiritual loneliness. You have been on a search for spiritual significance. You thought that joining this club or that team or climbing the corporate ladder would do it, but it hasn't worked, has it? You thought that making a certain amount of money would do it, but it hasn't worked, has it? You thought that getting married to that certain person would do it, but it hasn't worked, has it? You thought that having children would fill the emptiness, but it hasn't, has it? You know that deep down you are lonely, spiritually lonely.
I don't care what you do, how much money you pile up, how many toys or things you accumulate, it will not fill the void in your life. For some of you, your need today is to allow Christ into your life for the first time.
We serve an initiative-taking God. When God saw our loneliness, this chasm, this gap caused by our sinfulness, He sent Christ to live a perfect life, die on the cross for our sins, and rise again. That is the message of Christianity.
When Jesus hung on the cross, He cried out, "My God, My God, why have you forsaken
me?" (Matthew 27:46) Why have you turned your back on me? Why this loneliness, God. Jesus experienced a level of loneliness like we will never experience. When God turned His back on His Son, He was doing a redemptive act. He had to separate himself from the sin that Jesus bore. Jesus felt this loneliness as He paid for your sins and mine. God did not want us to go through life and eternity missing true community with Him. Jesus paved the way for us to have a personal relationship with God. Our spiritual loneliness can be dispelled.
What if you are a believer, yet still you have these feelings of loneliness? You have to deal with them. Our feelings are subject to our decision-making capacity fueled by the Holy Spirit. We can either allow these feelings of loneliness to push away from God or push us toward God. We can pray, "God, I am feeling lonely. God, please fill the gap, fill the void. I know that you are there. Help me with your grace and power."
The Apostle Paul had times when he felt lonely. In 2 Timothy 4:16-17, he says that he felt abandoned and all alone. Have you ever felt that way? Have you ever felt that you were the only one standing for Christ at the office, or at school, or in the neighborhood? Paul recognized his feelings and came to the realization that ''the Lord stood by my side and gave me strength."
We must recognize the companionship of the Holy Spirit. This is a 24/7 situation. Jesus has promised us that he will never leave us nor forsake us.
Have you dealt with Spiritual Loneliness? Have you met God through Jesus Christ? Do you have a personal relationship with Him every day?
Now let's talk about level two loneliness: Relational loneliness. Our first relationship is to God, the second is to people.
In the very beginning God created everything and stated that it was good. Adam was connected with God. But there was still a need for another relationship. In Genesis 2:18 it says, ''The Lord God said, 'It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."'
God again took the initiative to meet man's need. He sent Christ to meet the need of our spiritual loneliness and He created a companion for man to meet our relational loneliness. He wants us to have a vibrant connection with Him through Jesus Christ and He wants us to walk deeply in relationship with others.
Jesus stated this in a couple of sentences in Matthew 22:37-39, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind. And love your neighbor as yourself." The Bible never tells us to love ourselves. That is a given. I love myself. You love yourself. Jesus tells us that we are to love others with the same intensity that we love ourselves.
Most of us are content with surface relationships. We have known people for a long time and yet we are still talking about the weather, sports, or current events. We are fearful to relate to them on a deep level. Why? We say to ourselves, "If they really knew me, they would reject me; they wouldn't like me."
That is not true! If we would come clean and commit to God on level one and then really begin to share with people on level two, we would find that others feel the same and need someone for support just as much as you do.
But you must get your spiritual loneliness dealt with before you can deal with relational loneliness.
Often, we put too much responsibility on other people to meet our needs. People were never designed to be able to meet your spiritual needs! We expect human beings to meet needs that only God can meet. No wonder we have gone through so many relationships! No wonder we have gone through so many marriages! You have expected your spouse to meet needs that only God can meet. I don't know about you, but my friends cannot deliver me from evil. My friends cannot answer my prayers. My friends cannot forgive my sins or guide me or lead me. Only God can do those things.
We often become so clingy and so whiney in human relationships because we have forgotten about the priority of getting level one right. Our Savior is the strength to cure our relational loneliness. When we connect with Him, then we have real power to bring to a relationship.
Because a true friend is going to point you to Christ, a true friend will deepen your relationship to God. A true friend sees themselves as an extension of God in the relationship.
We need to take relational risks. Every time we take a relational risk, we are reflecting the character and nature of God. We all want to have friends. We want people who will care for us and support us and have fellowship with us. But we must realize the truth of Proverbs 18:24, "A man that hath friends must show himself friendly." We need to take the initiative to form relationships, just as God has taken the initiative to have relationships with us and provide human relationships for us. Are you willing to be the kind of friend you desire for yourself?
Let me describe a scenario I have often observed. A person comes to church, arrives late after the service has started. They don't come to Sunday school to be part of a smaller group. They leave during the invitational hymn so there can be no real interaction for them before or after the service. They do this for several weeks. Then they declare that the church is just not friendly. It is full of snobs. Then they will go to another church and will do the same thing in the same way. ''No one spoke to me. No one came up to me. I guess this church is full of snobs too! No one here cares about me."
Please don't bring that weak whining to God! Why don't you take a risk? Why don't you try a Sunday school class? Why don't you go up and greet and introduce yourself? Gallop says that the average church member knows 67 people in their church, whether the church has 150 or 15,000 members. At Meadow Brook Baptist, we have most any profession or interest level you could want to find. I know for a fact they will take the initiative to establish relationship with you if you will give them a chance!
Also, here is another suggestion: make hospitality happen. I Peter 4:9 tells us to offer hospitality to others without grumbling. I am talking about an initiative-taking, handshaking, housewarming, guest-welcoming, mentality that says, '"Y'all come on over to the house. We'll put a little more water in the soup. We just want to spend some time with you." That is hospitality.
When Jim Sumners and I went to Venezuela last summer, we stayed in a very modest home, and they apologized that the accommodations were not up to American standards. I would rather have been in that home where I knew I was welcomed and loved than in the finest five-star hotel.
They understood hospitality. They offered the best they had, and they were glad we were there. A lot of us have six- and seven-bedroom houses and have never invited a soul from the church to share fellowship in our home. "It would take me too long to clean up. I don't cook that well." I'm not talking about an event - I'm talking about hospitality; hotdogs and soft drinks, sandwiches, and conversation!
If you are relationally lonely, for the most part, it is because you are not willing to be a friend. You are lazy! If you are lonely, get out of yourself. I can't come and get you every Sunday and drag you to a Sunday school class. I can't force you to be an initiative taker. You have got to do it. I am so saddened that many of you have gone to church for years and years and still have not connected in this way.
One day when the bottom drops out, who is going to be there for you? Who is going to cry with you? Who is going to support you? Who are your real friends? Do you think it is your office cronies or your country club drinking buddies? No, those people just make you lonelier. It will be those with whom you share the fellowship to God's church!
Level three is Eternal Loneliness. We all are bound for eternity. We will all die and then face the judgment. We will be eternally fulfilled with a relationship with God, or we will exist with eternal loneliness because we failed to make the decision to make Jesus our Savior and eternal friend. We were created for this eternal joy. God created us to have fellowship with Him. All our loneliness will be over in that day of glorious reunion with Christ our Savior.
Well, I have given you a lot to process today. If you will take seriously what I have shared, I will guarantee you that changes will take place, in your personal life and in the fellowship of this church.
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